Creating a Culture of Romance in Your Marriage

Romance in marriage is not primarily a feeling — it is a practice. The couples who maintain a vibrant romantic connection through decades of marriage are not the ones who feel most romantic; they are the ones who have built habits and rituals that consistently communicate 'you are my priority and my delight'. Romance, like faith, is sustained by practice.

The Myth of Spontaneity

Our culture has sold us a vision of romance that is spontaneous, effortless, and driven by overwhelming feeling. This vision is both unrealistic and unhelpful. Real romance — the kind that sustains a marriage through the pressures of work, children, ageing, and life — is intentional. It is planned, prioritised, and practised even when it does not feel natural.

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

— Song of Solomon 6:3

Daily Practices That Build Romance

• The six-second kiss: relationship researcher John Gottman recommends a daily kiss that lasts at least six seconds — long enough to be meaningful, short enough to be sustainable.

• The daily check-in: ten minutes at the end of each day to ask 'how are you really?' and to listen without distraction.

• Specific appreciation: move beyond 'I love you' to 'I love the way you...' Specific appreciation communicates that you are paying attention.

• Physical affection outside the bedroom: holding hands, a hand on the back, a spontaneous embrace — these small gestures maintain the physical connection that sustains desire.

• Protecting date night: not every week, but regularly. A standing commitment to time together that is not about logistics or children.

Seasonal Practices

Beyond daily habits, consider building seasonal practices into your marriage: an annual weekend away, a yearly review of your marriage where you celebrate what is working and address what needs attention, and a commitment to learning together — reading a book about marriage, attending a retreat, or using a resource like Sacred Union to explore new dimensions of your intimate life.

The Long Game

The goal of romance is not to recreate the feeling of falling in love. It is to build something richer and more durable — the deep, knowing love of two people who have chosen one another through every season of life and who continue to choose one another today. This love is not less romantic than the love of new couples; it is more. It is the love that the Song of Solomon celebrates, the love that Paul describes in Ephesians 5, and the love that reflects, however imperfectly, the covenant love of God for His people.